The Winter of my discontent

Reason #1286







































Results are just in...
























Carl Sagan once said that to be a good scientist, one must walk the line between skepticism and being open-minded. I’ve always tried to follow that credo although most of you know I tend to land on the more trusting side of that line. And what applies to science can also be applied to cultures. It has always struck me as strange when folks celebrate diversity as long as it is their type of diversity. I have always tried to find the good in people and cultures all the while realizing that just because something is different, doesn’t make it wrong. But there comes a time when many of our observations contradict what we believed to be true and, if we are of right mind, we must change our view. Just as some look at the conduct of churches, governments, and corporations and find them to be contrary to the ideals they espouse, so too have I come to that conclusion about Georgia.
Many times we can all find the strength to endure privation in the name of a good cause or a higher ideal. Over the last 8 months I have been robbed, assaulted, bludgeoned, contracted intestinal parasites, had four work postponements, a change to a different school, linguistic and cultural isolation, scratched corneas, infections, other exotic maladies, no indoor plumbing, and been cold (I mean “see your breath cold”) for the last 3 months, to name a few. Through all this I have tried to maintain a higher ground, looking to the positive aspects I saw here in the culture and the coming semester at work. Recently, these two ropes that I clung to have frayed and they no longer can support the weight.
Ahhh drinking. The cornerstone of Georgian culture. In Tbilisi, the capital, there is a statue of kartlis deda (mother Georgia). This 60 foot tall woman holds a sword in one hand and a bowl of wine in the other. The cultural message is a cool one: “guests are treated to all we have, while invaders are viciously fought”. There is an old Latin saying, “in vino, veritas”, meaning, “in wine, there is truth”. If that be the case, then you can’t swing a dead cat in Georgia without hitting the truth. Georgians drink more than any group of people I know, and I was in the Navy and the bar business for a combined total of 14 years.
Georgia has serious problems, and the empirical evidence that I have gathered over the last eight months has shown me that the open-mindedness required for change consists of more than just declaring, “We are a democracy!”. Foreigners often cast a judgmental eye to different cultures, finding joy in some aspects, disdain in others. This is our greatest safety as Americans. We are a salad bar nation, taking what we like, leaving what we don’t. Far too often we are not placed in a situation where we must live in other cultures, and be objective about them. I have always been lauded by foreign friends for being the first American to point out the flaws in our own culture. I love America, but I will never be against criticizing it and compelling it to do better. Many Georgians won’t do this….all the old ways are best but we want cell phones and stock options without working for them. I’ve seen so many Georgians who will spend 3 month’s salary on a fancy cell phone when they don’t have running water. Priorities, people!
That being said, I look at how we all see visits: a friend that comes and all is well. Or a friend that comes and sees that all is peaceful, but not well. Do all visits mean what we want them to? Or do all visits bring into sharp relief what we dread? That these people are, while seemingly jolly and forthright, really begging for our departure and can’t wait for us to get on a plane? Why are we so unable to tell people how we really feel about them? Why must we hide in our history and cultural differences? If they only knew that I came accepting of what they are, sensing the good, knowing there were differences, but willing and able to overcome all of them, what would they think? Why must they stick to what is so familiar? Why must they hide? I’ll never know.
Regarding what you’ve read and considering what you haven’t, it is with a very heavy heart that I tell you I am leaving the Peace Corps. I can’t tell you how devastating this decision has been to me. I changed my whole life to come here: I sold everything I owned, quit a good job, sold a good car, and left friends behind. But friends are always left behind (though never in my heart forgotten), jobs come and go, and stuff, well, we don’t need much of that anyway. I envisioned a higher purpose and ideal. I thought I would be able to make a difference. I thought I would change at least a few lives, at least a few opinions, but the bottom line is that here, I’m regarded as a freak show…something to be paraded around…“look at the/our American” . No matter how hard I try, I am unable to effect any change. And when the higher purpose is rendered impotent, why must we continue to endure the privations? All the reasons can’t be summed up in this letter. There are some things about my time here, no matter how many times or ways I explain them, you will never understand.
The simple truth is that Georgia is killing me by inches. It is destroying my body, turning my brain to mush, and weighing heavy on my spirit. If you want to say I’ve been broken by this experience, go right ahead. Call me Esau or Raskolnikov if you will, it’s no problem. We are all impetuous, idealistic and nihilistic during our lives and I have experienced all of these emotions and feelings deeply of late, sometimes in rapid succession. I have wrestled with this decision for weeks now, hoping things would improve, but the end result is just more setbacks and cold despair. I realize that things never turn out just the way we want them to, and, in being fair, this has not been an unceasingly unpleasant experience (look at the DVD I sent). I’ve grown, I’ve changed, and I’ve learned. But, after much consideration and meditation, I realize that I can’t continue here and remain whole.
I want to thank my friends and family that were so very supportive me before and during this venture. I won’t lie when I say that I feel I’ve let you all down. I will never be able to thank you for all your support and care. To my friends in the G7 group, I apologize as well. Sorry I’m leaving you guys. I will stay in touch, as I will have regular internet access soon. But seriously. Paul, Erik, and Johanna, I will never forget you and if I still have your friendship, then this thing was all worthwhile! G6’s..Ryan, Thais, Maria: Lots of great talks and advice. Sorry, I just can’t stay, but you‘ll be off soon enough.
Georgia. What can I say? There is a greatness of spirit, history, and tradition here; something that is trying to find a balance between the anchor that keeps you grounded and the one that won’t let you rise and grow. Something you cling to for safety when the seas of change roil but something you can’t let go of when opportunity is a short swim away. Amiran and Eteri: you welcomed me into your home and I will always remember our times at the table. Zuriko and Shorena: your house was so comfortable and familiar…I loved my time there. Giga: I hope you find your way. I do love you as a brother, but sometimes brothers disagree.
Georgia is wonderful, though not without problems, and I will always treasure my time in this well-trod, littered-with-history, part of the world. We can learn as much from failure, if not more, than we can from success. I hold no grudges and assign no blame and I hope those who remain here do likewise by me. This event is the result of many different contributing factors that cumulatively became too much for well-being. The blog will continue however!
მშვდობა(peace),
John